“You’re TOO independent Michelle. You could live without your friends if you actually needed to. That’s what makes you different from her.”
It’s still on my mind ever since my sissy told me this. I’m not sure if this was meant to be comforting or just a slap in the face.
I’ve been told its great to be independent, just holding my own because I can get back up on my own two feet. But at the same time, it gets lonely. I’d like to meet my “supposed-to-be” and “meant-to-be”s. Someone that knows how to oversee my blind spots.
I don’t need someone to complete me because I was never incomplete.
Just someone to bring out the best in me.
Wouldn’t matter if I got enough sleep or none at all. I’d feel this certain detachment trying to get through the day. Its routinely and it gets tiring after a while. It doesnt necessarily mean something’s wrong. I’m just.. not interested. I’m curious if I can find someone to just keep me on my toes. None of that flirty stuff. Just to talk. About anything.
I let her read a quick story about how essential it is to give importance to what matters most and forget the small stuff. She said “how can I do that? Everything is about you. I don’t have time for myself.”
I love you for all the things you do for me but I believe you may have been shooting at the wrong target. It’s one thing for you to work for what’s best for me (and I am very grateful for that) but you forget to do exactly just what the passage said: “Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play With your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.” You don’t even know the part of me I wish for you to know. I want to tell you stories and my everyday adventures and even the sad ones. I want to talk to you without hesitation.
You walk away laughing not realizing how your words stung a little.
Most of my personal posts are either on private or just gets deleted after a while. I haven’t used any public “outlet” only because personally, the world doesn’t need to know my business. You leave your heart out to the public, you don’t have much left for anyone else to uncover.
If you want to get to know a person, make the effort to see them. Don’t resort to their blog. If you want to know what’s wrong with someone, ask them. Don’t resort to snooping around their blog. If you haven’t seen someone in a while, don’t wait for them to post a picture up on Tumblr, go out and see them.
It becomes this secrecy of “caring” for someone just because you get constant updates from Twitter, Facebook or Tumblr.
A lot of words get put up on here, but not a lot are being said in person.
Why can’t you just treat me like any other friend you have? No over exaggerating and over analyzing. In all seriousness, each day that passes.. the more I realize I’m “friends” with a stranger. Obviously, we’re too much of each other’s opposites. I reject everything you’re throwing at me because I’m used to all of em. I pretty much know how you’ll react. Brace yourself. And it really is the same every time. Its not that I don’t care, its because I don’t understand. I don’t tweet, tumble post or Facebook status about you for a reason. Chill. Maybe you’ll be a little relieved.
You’re too adorable and very easy to get along with. Friendly and warm-welcoming. You dont have to try so hard to get my attention. You smirk and smile at me and there you go. You give that look, sometimes with your finger up to warn me that you’ll do something.. cool. But i just smile at you because it doesn’t end up the way you want to. You try again and it works. You laugh, and say you’ve been trying to surpass me. Nice to know I crossed your mind at least once. Hope to see you soon. Chill.
“You dont let people in. You’d be one thing, then youre another. You never tell anyone whats on your mind and what youre feeling.
There are two things:
1) For two weeks we’d be the closest friends ever. Hangout and shit. Then the next two, we wont even talk. You do a “come here, go away” thing.
2) You don’t tell anyone whats bothering you. We know you got it. But as a friend, i wanna know whats going on and why youre not okay. Then on a random day, you’d just tell me and id be like, ‘damn i didn’t know she was going through that.’
Real shit, michelle.. Youre hard to figure out.”
Personally, I just learned and got used to getting back on my feet.. on my own. “You’re like, one step ahead.” As a result, Im leaving everyone else behind. Everyone has their own to deal with and if anything, I know I’ll be okay.. Eventually. I enjoy having my time alone while I figure everything out. I dont need to strain myself with trying to figure out how to explain myself because I cant. I dont know how. When Im troubled, words will be jumbled and I get too messy- complicated. When Im ready, I’ll be out and about again.
I know deep down in the bottom of my heart and in the back of my mind I hold grudges. You’re forgiven but its mosdef not forgotten. It follows me. I’ll forget (sometimes) certain things that were said but ill remember how you made me feel. Sometimes, I lose faith in trying to talk to someone to make myself feel better. Because my problems will still be there. If anything, I have double the things to think about. Yes, Im given advice but in the end, no one can make anything happen but me. I dont wanna burden my friends with my problems when I know they go through worst things. I wont do something I dont believe in just because someone said I should. If they’re right then oh well, its on me. Im following my instincts so I wont have to blame anyone else. Mistakes will be lessons learned. If its not, then history will repeat itself.
Damn, I commend my friends for putting up with me..
Im just rambling now, sorry.
If youre going to fuck me over the way you did, the least thing you can do is give me an explanation. Dont ever leave me hanging. No answers, no anything. I deserve an explanation. You owe me that much.
KNUCKLE TOUCH! Today was truly.. bittersweet.
Golden Bear was stressful considering there were many last minute stuff we had to deal with.. We were late to Golden Bear. SGM told us to stay in the bus half the time, which made no sense when we’re supposed to be watching other schools and supporting our own school. Only had an hour to get ready. Such a pain when not everyone knows how to do hair.. Last minute stuff, and breaking tradition. After we finished getting dressed, formed up and had our eyes closed. JVs got their cords when they were supposed to get it by the end of the year.
Unarmed: Regulation- 3rd Place, Exhibition- 4th Place, Sweepstakes- 3rd Place & Commander’s Cup- 4th Place
Armed: Dual Man (Both JVs) 3rd place, Dual Man (Figueroa & Drouin) 2nd Place, & I don’t know what else
Novice CG #2: 9th Place
Which sucks the most was the fact that we couldn’t stay to hear them announce all these awards! Uggh, I still prefered last year’s experience though (=
Bus ride home was.. I don’t know. Currently lacking a better word to describe it. I’ve never cried that much for both good and bad things in a matter of two hours. Good thing I had my sunglasses. But I was inside. Which was awkward. All the advice I was given made my heart drop real fast. Shit hurts but it does because it’s real. Ay-shen always knows what to say.. I sat without any movement and just let it all go. I cried like I’ve never cried before. I had so much to say to a point where I didn’t know how to say them. Last competition for Hazel Reyes.. Sister talk.. Being left behind.. and it goes on and on.
“Can I ask you something?” “Sure. Go ahead” “It seems like you’re so depressed but somehow you smile like everything’s okay and you’re happy. Why?”
Seaport was lovely. I loved how it ended my day on great terms. Cool metallic painted guy making robot moves and noises. Pictures and videos! OH right when I was about to take a picture of Joanna, Hazel and Jeny.. someone taps me on my shoulder. I turned around and there was this guy and he recognized me from Tumblr. It was pretty cool cause we were yelling like “HEY! ITS YOUU! OMG.” Stuff like that. Took a picture with him. Nice hugs and unexpected meeting!
Food run Jack in the box and bought 6 tacos cause I was craving some and food for my ladies. Got dropped off home with a smile on my face.
Honestly don’t know what to say anymore. ‘Blind’ and the ‘mute.’ Whatever happens, happens!
Does being intoxicated really release inner feelings you normally wouldn’t? Cause that’s what I’m feeling right now. Things just make more sense for me, in a weird way. People understand me more. I communicate better. If it wasn’t for tonight, I wouldn’t have figured out what I felt I should do because I didn’t hold anything back. It’s one of those good ways to end the night. Thanks for all those who listened and understood. I’m so tired you guys. I wanna sleep. Hope you enjoy your friday night. Whether it be sleeping in, or staying out. Much love.
/still at Danica’s surprise party.
Either, long distance or not long distance. Either we connect more or we don’t. Either I saw you today, or I saw you last competition. I felt more emotionally attached with you.
I was looking through my phone earlier and found this:
“Dear sissy; You’re not alone. You will never be alone, for I will be by your side 110% always. Don’t think everyone has passed you by or everyone around you is truly happy. No one can ever be truly happy, they just choose to ignore the minor things that upset them to be happy. Selfish is good, sometimes. You’re a sophomore and that’s starting to show. Sophomore year is difficult. Its when you start discovering things about yourself and start realizing all these things. I hope and pray for you have the endless days of happiness and loud laughter. A part of me glows when you smile. A smile with happiness and joy behind it. However its okay to cry also. Cryingis like sweating off your emotions. Keep your head up sissy. Love ya unconditionally, always. -Sissy (:
P.S. You look pretty when you sleep considering you want to live in your dreams. “
I’ll go all out on training. Hella pushing myself for YPF.
Fuck the pain, man. I know I can do this. That’s one way to let the anger out.
